How Custom Wood Signs Shaped History – Or Did History Shape It?
It is highly likely that the first signs that man made in “prehistoric” times were made from wood. And here I have to digress. How does anyone know when prehistoric times started and ended? And if they’re prehistoric, who determines where history began? So really, does “prehistoric” just mean we don’t know our own history? At any rate, since that custom wood sign decayed thousands of years ago, nobody knows the moment when the first human being, using a CNC router and engraving machine, created the first type that may have read “CaveMart,” which then became the first commercial venture on the planet. We believe this store specialized in cheap imported plastic toys and video games. We also believe we’ve discovered some of their other wooden displays advertising Black Friday specials, next to the pepper spray signage that read “Git Urs on Blak Fryday With 1 Uv These’s!”
This type we know, of course, look much better now – the words are spelled correctly. We also know that it was replaced, at least in part, by cave drawings. But when local merchants realized no one outside the cave knew their store was in the cave, they decided to discover bronze, which made much better-looking and stronger and longer lasting signs, thus ushering in the bronze age, which was responsible also for the rise of the Greek Empire, although it subsequently collapsed due to the fact that they had sporting events where the athletes competed completely naked! And thus, it was easy for groups such as the Roman Hordes to fall upon the surprised naked athletes and defeat them in events like the 100 meter dash.
“Julius B.R.F.O. Caesar Was a Custom Wood Sign Maker” and Other Little Known Facts Discovered Engraved on Wooden Materials Created by Monks Before They Discovered Paper And That Carving Is Just Plain Slow
This silly naked competition, as previously stated, made the Greeks an easy target for the invading Roman Hordes, led by Julius Baskinus Robbinus Flavorus Ofthemonthius Caesar, a brilliant custom wood sign maker turned ice cream maker, who then retired after making a killing in the stock market, and came out of retirement after answering an ad on Craigslist for a bloodthirsty general, who crossed the Rubicon just to put up more personalized signposts, which was a little-known obsession of J.B.R.F.O. Caesar’s. However, after conquering all the naked Greek athletes, he gave them each a tunic, and they, in turn, taught him how to make bronze signs, which he promptly melted into shields and swords and gallivanted off to conquer the rest of the world, which, fortunately for J.B.R.F.O. Caesar, although fully clothed, had not yet discovered bronze.
Conquering the world worked well with bronze weapons until later, wooden engraved displays that monks transcribed various historical facts onto tell us, the Romans moved all of their manufacturing facilities to China, which turned out to be a bad move because the Chinese, led by Confucius the Wise, traded plastic toys and swords back to the Romans for the factories and know-how to make bronze weapons. The Roman Hordes were subsequently defeated by barbarians from the Northlands who brandished wooden sticks and and also made use of some very nicely decorated bronze cannons from Confucius the Wise’ son, Confucius the Bumbling Moron. Incidentally, the Chinese had recently discovered gun powder, which they sagely used to create fireworks, thus making great fireworks displays on the 4th of July. They didn’t discover the combination of cannons and gunpowder until the Vietnam war.
J.B.R.F.O. Caesar Died Before This Stuff Happened and So Ultimately, Engraved Wood Signage Was Not Responsible For The Coming Beer Shortage
The Roman Hordes were ultimately defeated in the Battle of Bull Run and fled to Sicily, where they simultaneously founded the Roman Catholic Church and the Mafia, which to this day one can scarcely tell which is which. Except the Catholics are more likely to put custom engraved signage on the outsides of their cathedrals, whereas the Mafia is more likely to make those as presents for each other that blow their enemy’s homes to smithereens.
I may have drifted from the main topic a bit here. Everyone knows that as Europe became civilized, local municipalities began to require taverns to post antique wood signs so that the IRS could locate them and burst in and take any money they found to the king. These painted wood arts were how artists such as Michelangelo earned extra money on his off-days from the Sistine Chapel so he could grab a few brews at any local pub.
However, beer became hard to find due to the IRS agents multiplying, who, at the kings orders, would raid a pub, take the money, drink the ale, and take the money to the greedy monarch, who then hired more IRS agents, and so on until there was no beer left for starving, and, I might add, sober artists, and thus came the end of the era of customized signs made from wood, although many have been preserved since antiquity, and are now being used as gifts between Mafia family members.
To see some custom wood sign art graphics and designs crafted, try to view this page.